Leading Cola Salesman

Worth repeating: BLUE ALERT “Santa Don’t Bring Gifts To Assholes” is the pop proclamation from Paul Mauled and the Furious Elves. You should probably heed this dictum.

Vera Lyn takes us back to the 1930s when swearing wasn’t as much a lyrical go-to. “The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot” is a big band ode to poor kids. Sad stuff. She originated this number, but Nat King Cole is no slouch at underplaying the bathos and making a real story out of it.

The world premiere cast of Nuncrackers–The Nunsense Christmas Musical gets down home with “Santa Ain’t Comin’ to Our House.” It’s a knee-slappin’ hoe-downin’ uplift to children’s tragedy.

Hard rock from The Swingin’ Neckbreakers declares “Santa Claus ain’t Comin’ This Year.” Sound like someone’s on the disability.

The Eraserheads alt rock that “Santa Ain’t Comin’ No Mo” because he’s sick. Throw your stocking out the window!

717Erb raps casually how “Santa Ain’t Coming.” That’s it. No show.

When my baby can’t be with me then, well, “Santa Can’t.” Big band evolves into rap then just mashes up. Brought to you by 0July Moon (feat. Kristen & Ryanne).

The HoHoHo-er

Worth repeating: From The Trailer Park Boys, Bubbles & The Shitrockers BLUE ALERT react badly to bad gifting with the country twangin’ “Dear Santa Claus Go Fuck Yourself.” So mad they’re giggling.

More BLUE ALERT from the disgruntled Dan Warren. While traumatized from being good not equalling the goods, he hurls insult and invective North Pole-ward, including “Santa Claus Lives Alone.” (That’s ‘cuz no one likes him.)

The Armenian Comedian (from the old Kevin & Bean Show) allows that some will blame Santa, but he lousy-raps “Don’t Blame Santa.” Then, scat.

Perhaps a bit of guided instruction would help. The Jeff Archer Group kid-rocks (hard) “I’d Love to Go to Toys-R-Us with Santa.” Doesn’t even matter that they’re closing out stores anymore. It’ll show Mr. Claus what is what.

Flooded Cellar makes an Indian Giver out of the old guy when, due to a clerical error, he now wants to take back all your unearned toys. American country rock notifies that “Santa Claus been Writing Me Letters.” You have 30 days to comply.

One Man Supply Chain

An oft heard low rating for Santa is his poor choice in gifts given. I mean, what’s the list i sent him FOR?! Handwriting analysis?

Worth repeating: Trout Fishing in America knows kidsong, if “Santa Brought Me Clothes” is any indication. Wild mini-organ jelly-rolling.

Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force serenades a visiting country pop star with “Santa Left a Booger in My Stocking.” It’s an Adult Swim thing.

Space Band has a problem with a little AM radio from “@santaclaus.” Children rocking about griping.

Saint John and The Revelations call down club rock to set a “Christmas Fire” as a reaction to not getting their wish.

Jello Productions paints a horrible portrait in “The Bad Santa Song (I’m Gonna Punch Your Presents).” Jingly kid song that blames Old Man Christmas without asking the hard question (How Naughty WERE You?).

Fat Daddy

Worth repeating: “Fat Daddy” by Paul ‘Fat Daddy’ Johnson was a Baltimore fave from 1963 on, dug up and shared by John Waters. It’s not really S.C. but the spirit is here through jazzy doo wop RnR.

“Santa’s Getting Bigger” is charming folk from Bob Wire & Chip Whitson, who might be somewhat understanding.

Tesse slows the roll with an R+B sorta-rap “Fat Man in a Red Suit.” It’s sad, but we need to accept those things we can’t change.

Dale Jarvis dramatizes the domestic enabling that causes our protagonist to become “Fat Like Santa.” There’s a certain sound to those comedy songs for FM morning shows back in the ’90s. This is it: 15% country, 35% pop, 45% funny voices, 5% audacity.

Mr. Weebl’s 2015 Advent Calendar o’ songs included “Fat Santa Claus,” a jittery pop celebration of–a dog? Nevermind, dance!

Beanknee posts the kids’ assembly laffer: “Santa You’re Too Fat.” There’s personal and property injury, as well as insult. Oi!

Richie McDonald rollicks a kiddie country sing along with “Why Santa’s Fat.” Surprisingly, it’s not from overeating….

Salsa be bop from Bill Darnell and the Smith Brothers perks up the topic! “Too Fat to be Santa Claus” casts suspicion on the next red-suited impersonator. He won’t fit in the outfit!

Cookie Monster

One of the complaints we aim at the Wintry Philanthropist is that He’s Larger than Life. Worth repeating: The Ineffective Subdefectives parody ‘Nowhere Man’ with “Big Fat Man.” They’re having such fun. I’m jealous.

D’modes nitpick the dietary lack of restrictions Claus does in “Too Fat to Fly.” Club pop, but thoughtful-like.

Richard Sponaugle is also deliberate when asked to berate the old guy in the countrifried pop of “Santa Needs to Diet.” Low hanging fruit.

Making kidsong of it Muriel’s Animated Stories brings us a specific culinary caution in “Santa Needs a Diet.” Lifestyle choices are measured and reassigned.

Keeping kidsong in view, The Polkadots sing that song your kids sang in the second grade “Santa You’re Too Fat.” Ill manners have to start early.

Freddy Cannon helps with the light kidrock “Santa (You’re Too Fat for Me).” Kids are now deciding he‘s naughty!

Sandy Claws

You know what’s as much fun as praising St. Nick? Tearing him into li’l pieces!!

To begin, we’ll recognize the global phenomenon of Mr. Christmas, almost as widely recognized as Mickey Mouse. But, to get multicultural about it, “Some Children See Him” as different colors and adorned in local accoutrement. Others have made this a kidsong, but TEF’s 1958 rendering is gospel pontificating.

The Snowman translates from Earth-tongue to Ozzie in “Who is Father Christmas?” A globetrotting characterization with boings and skritching brings Music Hall home. Racist? Don’t make me laugh!

Balloon Man (feat. Julie Tweddle) needs an “International Santa Claus.” This must be in order to have enough room to–DANCE! Electronica from the ’80s.

The Golden Orchestra brings it back USA in “The Jolly Gent Who Jingles.” Jazzy kidsong that’s so retro i forget how old i am.

Ruining children’s joy, Rickey Royale slapdashes “Santa Claus Around the World.” Stop the world, i want to get off.

Rudy Casoni lets his xenophobe flag fly with his Sinatra homage: “Showtime Fatty.” It gets nasty, but it’s lounge luscious!

Sleigh Rider

Well, what DOES James Brown have to say about that frosty philanthropist? “Santa Claus is Definitely Here to Stay” that’s what. Trademark Brown blues.

A Bushman on walkabout, a pilot, a mermaid lover… “Wily Clause” is more than you thought. So say The Uh Ohs with well pointed indie/pop fun.

Spell it out The Christmas Jug Band (feat. Paul Rogers)! “S.A.N.T.A.” is the parody of a powerful myth.

Encore, you say? Well The Christmas Jug Band studies the Santas and determines the one with the most magic in the blues number “Santa Clara, San Jose or Santa Claus?” One guess who it is!

Todd McHatton portrays a super chill wintry judge when toasting “One for Santa.” Just be you! He’ll get it! Soft melodic pop.

Who’s the one! “Ol’ Saint Nicholas“! Ask Doris Day! She’ll sing it for you! In kidsong! (Had this figured out back in 1949!)

“Santa Forever” brings us to a close with the philosophy that WE ARE ALL SANTA CLAUS. Whoa. Indie crooning from Sound of Monday (feat. Mia Crosby). Sweet as hell.

Heck, that’s just a taste. Thousands of pro-Santa songs are out there. Some are pretty terrible, but i don’t wanna cram them all in here together. Then i’d be done blogging. Stay tuned for con-Santa songs next.

Ol’ Rosy Cheeks

Worth Repeating: The Marquees whistle up some doo wop for “Santa Done Gone Hip.” Believe it, Jake.

Zendaya develops her chops as a Disney baby way back when flouncing some kid-friendly R+B in “Shake Santa Shake.” That’s how we do.

The Withers wanna get down with Mr. Cookies & Milk in the Men Without Hats parody “Santa Dance.” Get down, get frosty.

The Wiggles also move hyperactively with their kidsong “Reindeer Express.” It’s more block chain than twisting.

Three Day Threshold says it in so many words: “You Can’t Slow Santa Down.” His sleigh will beat a Ferrari!

Louis Prima dances big band jump blues with the 1951 excellence “Shake Hands with Santa Claus.” It’s a mad euphemism for partying, loving, and letting loose.

S.C.

Andrew Hyatt wants us to know “Santa Is A Good Ole Boy.” Bubba blues outlines his redneck tendencies, but with adoration.

Alabama tries out surf rock (?) for a holiday floater: “Ain’t Santa Cool.” Seems to be less of a question than an accusation.

Kidsong posted by a teacher for her kids to learn, this ‘rap’ involves stomping and clapping, but still rocks (some). “Santa is the Man” may entertain.

Carlos Fandango tries some Elvis/Chuck Berry for a bit of all right amateurism in “Mr. Santa Claus, Baby (You’re a Real Cool Guy).” Sadly, he wants the Great One to supply a present he hasn’t acquired yet for his baby. Flattery, maybe. Goodness, definitely. Bluesy.

“Cool Cat Santa Claus” is the monotone praise from Donald Miclette. It sounds like an HR complaint, but’s really appreciative. More blues-ish.

Frankie Velvet & The Mighty Veltones warn: You better be good… he’s got a baseball bat!But, never fear: “Santa is a Real Cool Cat.” Bluesy jazz that’s sweet and sour–you’ll want to sing along.

The Gifter

Colin Buchanan & Greg Champion make boogie woogie into elevator music with “Cool Rockin’ Santa.” Oh, the guitar licks are there, but these Ozzies play it safe emotionally. It’s all under control.

More authentic, LenneBrothers Band lean into “Boogie Woogie Santa Claus.” It’s receptive, hypnotic, and out of control. Flames!

Asleep at the Wheel mashes up country swing with the B.W. in “Santa Loves to Boogie.” Now my feet are movin’.

The Tractors get us back on track with “The Santa Claus Boogie.” It’s all about the piano, y’see.

Slidawg & the Redneck Ramblers lean much more western than boogie with “Santa’s Boot Scootin’ Boogie.” It’s a two step Time Machine to 1989 line dancing!

Tickle Tune Typhoon redefine the boogie as sha na na retro rock in “Santa’s Belly Boogie.” Lots of countdowns and nonsense syllables. Is this kidsong?

Gary Wilson goes alternative with “I Saw Santa Dancing in the Dark.” This syncopated pop just gets weird. That’s not the twist! That’s epilepsy!